Copyright Notice and Legal Disclaimer
© 2025 Tanya Zayats. All rights reserved.
This work, including without limitation its text, design, illustrations, and all other content, constitutes the exclusive intellectual property of the author and is protected under applicable copyright laws and international treaties.
No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without the express prior written consent of the copyright holder. Any unauthorized copying, distribution, reproduction, or other exploitation of the materials contained herein is strictly prohibited and may result in prosecution to the fullest extent permitted by law.
The information, content, and materials contained in this publication are provided solely for informational purposes and do not constitute professional psychological, psychiatric, medical, or therapeutic advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The author disclaims all liability for any decisions made based on the content of this work.
For partnership and licensing inquiries, please contact: tatyanazayats12@gmail.com
Let’s get acquainted!
My name is Tanya Zayats, I’m a professional psychologist. I use cognitive-behavioral therapy in my practice. At the same time, I’m a very happy soul, who loves and embraces myself fully.
But ten years ago I wasn’t ready to say it. Those days I was more a lost, sad, lonely and terribly insecure person. I had lots of problems with my health, communication, with people and self-esteem. All I wanted was to find my place in this world and to be truly and completely accepted. How to do it, when you have poor understanding of yourself, your feelings and desires? One day, my sister said: «Why don’t you go to study psychology? Perhaps there, you’ll find not just answers — but the right questions to ask…».
This idea inspired me and I entered the Institute of Psychology. My expectations matched the reality, but not as quickly as I’d imagined. The whole process took more than five years — approximately fifteen thousand hours I spent on studies and my personal psychotherapy. I invested a lot of time, energy and money into this process.
I created this diary to help people who probably need the support and inspiration like me before. Thanks to it you can tackle the topic of healthy self-esteem and inner confidence much faster and cheaper.
The information here is essential, simple and easy to understand without difficult scientific «trendy buzzwords». According to my experience, knowledge alone isn’t enough. It’s important to apply it to form a useful skill, that’s why I added practical tasks in my diary. You can achieve better results if you complete the tasks properly.
The diary focuses heavily on the theme of personal boundaries. Personal boundaries — it’s your guide on how you can and cannot be treated. It’s very important not only to understand your personal boundaries but also it’s important to talk about them to others. You can find here the best recommendations and practical tasks.
P.s. I want to congratulate you, because you’re starting a new chapter in your life!
Let’s start with the most important thing — the advantages of a self-confident person.
People are neither angels nor robots, that’s why they are not ideal and often make mistakes. When a person has inner confidence and self-reliance, he understands that he isn’t ideal but at the same time he loves and accepts himself. He chooses the path of creation and self-development, the way to take care of his body and mental health instead of wasting time, energy, health on self-criticism, self-harm and self-destruction. A self-confident person feels worthy of respect and love regardless of the opinions of others.
People around us are not angels, they are just ordinary people who make mistakes. When a person loves, accepts himself and allows himself to exist exactly as he is, he automatically loves, accepts the people around him and allows them to be as they are. The Bible says: «Love your neighbour as yourself» — and so, self-love is the foundation. You cannot love other people until you learn to love yourself. And so, inner confidence helps not only to be in a healthy relationship with yourself, but also with other people.
Inner confidence is a foundation of awareness. Awareness helps to manage your emotions and take balanced decisions.
Awareness gives you the freedom of choice — instead of spreading automatic and impulsive reactions, a person acts on his true wants and needs. Thanks to awareness, the person understands and separates where are his real desires and where are socially imposed attitudes, beliefs, fears. A conscious person becomes a master of his own life, feels happier and more confident.
A self-confident person understands his goals clearly, takes decisions easily and quickly. This person is open to change and changes, is ready to seek new opportunities for growth, is not limited by the fear of making mistakes and does not need constant approval from the outside. A self-confident person knows that if something goes wrong, he can deal with it. Difficulties and failures don’t characterise him in any negative way and don’t spoil his relationship with himself. He doesn’t accept failures as his personal insult, it’s only an information for him, that it’s necessary to find out other ways because these don’t work.
A person who has developed his inner confidence most of the time is in harmony with himself which leads to mental and physical health. Constant emotional turmoils, pain, fear, shame, guilt, sense of duty — all these develop mental and physical diseases.
Do you want to change the world for the better? Start from yourself. Self-confident people often become a role model and are able to inspire others to actions. It improves the atmosphere in the family, with colleagues, in the country and in the world.
How will you know you’ve become a confident person? List what exactly will happen or change in your life. What will you feel when you gain confidence? List specific emotions and states.
What will change in your behaviour? List please specific points.
What’s stopping you right now? What would you like to change? (habits, character, appearance, circumstances etc.)
«Everything is good with me and with others.
The world is safe».
Posture: Confident people keep their backs straight, shoulders squared, the head is elevated.
Poses: Their poses are comfortable and open (no crossed hands, legs, feet). It means that the person isn’t inclined to doubts and feels comfortable not only in his body but also in this world.
Gestures: Words, facial expressions, gestures match each other. Confident people use open and calm gestures like relaxed hands which are not crossed and participate in communication. Their movements are calm and smooth, without tension, not fussy or nervous.
Eyes: Confident people maintain eye contact (sometimes, they look away briefly), but don’t turn away or look past you or under their feet or on the floor). Their look is straight and open, without often blinking.
Facial expressions: Confident people have calm, relaxed facial expression, without unnecessary tension. Emotions, words and gestures of these people match each other.
Voice and speech: Confident people speak clearly and slowly with proper pauses. They have a medium-loud voice (not quite), the intonation is clear without trembling and sudden jumps. They hardly ever use the word adaptors, such as: «Uh», «Well», «So» because they are sure in their thoughts and they are not afraid to make a pause.
Initiativity: A confident person doesn’t wait when somebody makes the first step and suggests something to him, he takes the initiative in communication, he takes decisions and actions. He clearly understands what he wants from this life and talks openly about it. He knows how to ask, to refuse and accept rejections.
Stable, healthy self-esteem: Difficulties and failures don’t spoil his relationship with himself, he knows himself well (his strengths and weaknesses), accepts and supports himself. A confident person remembers and appreciates his achievements. The negative feedback from other people doesn’t hurt him, he is able to separate real facts from subjective. He doesn’t compare himself with others, he doesn’t criticise himself and others.
Self-care: A confident person takes care of his mind, body, health. He does health checkups, sport, has active lifestyle; fills his body with useful and vitamin-rich food; drinks a sufficient amount of water every day; doesn’t destroy his body with cigarettes and alcohol or junk food. This person has an interesting hobby, he doesn’t spare any money on himself; talks to interesting people, travels and discovers the world; he knows how to relax, to chill and enjoys the life. There are no abusers or toxic people in his inner circle, who destroy the psyche.
Openness in communication: Confident people have high emotional intelligence. He clearly understands his emotions and he knows how to express them in a safe and eco-friendly way for himself and others. He understands the emotions of other people that help to socialise and to have good, close, trusting and deep connections. In spite of the confident person possess high emotional intelligence, that helps him understand and manage the emotions of others, he doesn’t use his «superpower» to manipulate and dominate, he doesn’t need it. This isn’t the domain of the insecure. Confident people are engaged in open and healthy communication, without manipulation, physical or emotional abuse.
Self-respect and respect for others: A confident person knows his personal boundaries and knows how to defend them. He provides people with clear instruction how they can and cannot behave with him. And so, the people around him don’t cross his physical and emotional boundaries. He respects the personal boundaries of others that helps him to build as healthy friendly, personal, romantic relationships as working family ties and parent-child bonds.
Flexibility in behaviour: Confident people can adapt easily to changes and new conditions. Such people refuses to get stuck in outdated patterns of behaviour, they look for effective ways to meet the challenges that arise.
Cheerfulness: These people focus on the good, save energy and motivation to go ahead.
Ready to self-development: Confident people are open, they don’t spare time, money and energy on improving their talents, knowledge and skills.
«I’m not okay, others — okay. The world is not safe».
Posture: round back, neck pulled into the shoulders, slouching (as if the person tries to shrink in size and take up as little space as possible).
Poses: stiffness in movement, tension, clumsiness, closed-off, uncomfortable and crossed poses. It signals that a person suffers from doubt and feels uncomfortable in his body and in this world.
Gestures: words, facial expressions, gestures don’t match each other. Nervous, fear-stiffened and clumsy gestures, tense hands and body. The person touches often his hair, bites or licks lips, adjusts or brushes invisible dust from the clothes, rubs jewellery.
Eyes: avoiding eye contact, gaze sliding past the listener, glancing upward then down, eyes darting away or fixed on the floor. Frequent blinking.
Facial expressions: tense facial expression. Words, facial expression, gestures mismatch. Pale face or redness of the face and neck.
Voice and speech: a quiet voice, not clear pronunciation, swallowing words, fast rate of speech, sudden jumps in intonation, inappropriate pauses, tremor in the voice. Plenty of word adaptors in the speech such as: «Uh», «Well», «So», «I mean». Insecure people often use such phrases as: «I don’t know», «I’m not sure», «Terrible/I’m afraid», «May be», «I don’t understand anything here», «May be I’m wrong», «May be it’s stupid», «Sorry», etc.
Appearance: discreet clothing, make-up and hairstyle. The person wants to be a ghost in the room.
Indecision: the absence of initiativity, long decision making, the fear of failures. The problems in self-realisation because the person doesn’t understand what he wants from life, often changes the job, the field of activity, partners. He is afraid to express his opinion, stand out of the crowd, talk about his wants and needs, ask, refuse and get refuses.
Guilt: the person constantly apologies for everyone and everything even when he is not guilty at all, places others before himself, burning himself for the benefits of others.
Low self-esteem: often mood swings from not accepting himself, his appearance, character, life conditions. Fixation on his imperfection and mistakes. This person feels easily upset about criticism and unpleasant feedback. He depends on external verdicts, seeks for approvals from the side, is afraid of blames and always tries to please people, deserves somebody’s love and acceptance. He is afraid to ask or refuse, criticises himself, compares himself to others. He doesn’t remember, devalues his achievements or ascribe them to others. He cannot accept compliments (he doesn’t believe in sincerity of these words).
Inattention to himself: an insecure person doesn’t take care well of himself, his health, body, the state of mind. He doesn’t do health checkups, is often sick, suffers from headaches and chronic diseases; doesn’t go to sport; has a passive lifestyle; eats junk food; drink little water during the day; smokes and drinks alcohol; he doesn’t have any hobbies or interests; he spares money on himself and gives the best to others; he doesn’t know how to relax and chill and enjoy the life; he doesn’t know how to enjoy the intimate sphere of his life; talks to toxic people who destroy his life.
Communication problems: difficulties in socialisation and creation warm, friendly and trusting ties. Lacking the understanding and ability to defend their boundaries, insecure people often attract toxic individuals, those who exploit their kindness, treat them with cruelty and leave scars on the already fragile self-worth. Insecure people are afraid of speaking loudly about their wants and needs that’s why they use psychological manipulations in their speech and behaviour that is a kind of psychological abuse and violation of other people’s personal boundaries. Unfortunately if we don’t understand our personal boundaries, we don’t understand and break boundaries of others. This breeds toxic communication, strained friendships, empty romances and bad professional relationships. Too often, insecure people date abusers, who have the aim to suppress, humiliate and change them (appearance, character etc.). Insecure people try to avoid direct conflicts. They are silent about their needs waiting for other people to guess about them and suggest them or hinting at them. They show their dissatisfaction through a passive aggression: silence treatment, emotional and physical famine, etc. At the same time they can suffer a lot deserving love and favour. Such people become victims of domestic violence. They suffer in relationships.
Behavioural rigidity: insecure people can’t adapt to changes and new conditions. They get stuck in old and ineffective behavioural models.
Depressiveness: These kind of person focuses on the negative and always prepares to the worst. He is distressed about the past and the future, is exhausted very quickly, feels the lack of energy and doesn’t see the motivation to move on. He lives with a permanent sense of fear, guilt, shame, sadness, duty, self-compassion, helplessness.
«I’m okay, others aren’t okay. The world isn’t safe».
Posture: tense and extended neck, protruding chest, tense shoulders and back. It seems that the body of the person bends forward and is ready for action.
Poses: dominant poses, seems like a person wants to occupy more space, spread legs, hands on the hips or crossed on the chest. Heel to toe rocking. Distance offence — the person comes too close, overhangs his companion and violates personal boundaries.
Gestures: active gesticulation, sprawling, abrupt and jerky movements, quick turns of the head, chopping, stabbing and piercing hand gestures, clenched fists. Finger or nail knocking on the surface, handclaps on the table, wall.
Eyes: hard and frown look. The look is from underneath or wide-open eyes, rolling the eyes.
Facial expressions: active facial expression, stressed, compressed jaw and lips (uncontrolled sharp movements of eyelids or corners of the lips). Flared nostrils, wrinkles on the forehead, deep creases between the eyebrows.
Voice and speech: clear, confident, loud speech. Accelerated or ominously slow rate of speech. Sharp changes of the voice volume. Ignoring the norms of communication — the person allows himself to interrupt, doesn’t give the opportunity to speak, asks provocative questions, offends, makes faces and rephrasing the meaning.
Appearance: vivid image of a person, attractive and sexual appearance or an ordinary appearance.
Impulsiveness: low emotional intelligence, emotional dysregulation, rapid mood swings. Categorical mindset: «Either all now or nothing and never». This person won’t wait and suffer, he will tell you straight up what exactly he doesn’t like.
Fluctuating self-esteem: the representatives of the aggressive types of people can have either low or high self-esteem (self-esteem can change from time to time). These people are selfish, concentrated on themselves and their wants and needs. They can make an impression of a vivid, strong, independent person but deep down they can be kind, sensitive, vulnerable and uncertain. They aren’t sentimental and don’t cry in front of others because they think it’s the demonstration of weakness and they are worried someone might take advantage of it.
Communication problems: manipulativeness in communication, violation of personal boundaries of other people, the tendency to physical/emotional/sexual abuse. Violation of communication norms, provocative behaviour. Distrust of people, expectations of danger and tricks. These people have their own opinion (the only correct) that will be expressed whether it’s appropriate or not, whether it was a demand or not. Ignoring of other peoples’ opinion. Criticism, comparison, depreciation, humiliation, making fun of other people. Self-assertion on behalf of others. At the same time he overreacts to criticism and negative feedback. Such people are eager to grab the power in relationships, suppress and subordinate his partner. Partners can answer aggressively (by shouting, insulting, assaulting or by the passive aggression: silent treatment, withholding attention and intimacy etc.) or go to all sorts of troubles (alcohol, drugs, betrayals). Everyone will suffer in these relationships (either the aggressive person or his partner). This will confirm the opinion of the aggressive person that the world is dangerous and you cannot trust people. He will become more secretive and evil man. He often has relationships either with uncertain people or the same aggressive people.
Aggressive behaviour: he’s aggressive and distrustful of changes and new conditions. He uses categorical, rude, aggressive, tough methods of solving tasks.
Imagine the situation:
A couple is in the restaurant. A handsome waiter is serving their table (or a beautiful waitress). Partner #1 notices how partner #2 wakes, jokes, flirts, stares at the waiter(waitress). Partner #1 is uncomfortable.
Describe the reaction of partner #1 if he/she was a confident, insecure or aggressive person. What would be the feelings, thoughts and actions?
| Confident person | Insecure person | Aggressive person |
|---|---|---|
How would you react on this situation? Describe your feelings, thoughts and emotions.
The previous task will help you to understand what person you are.
An insecure person: wouldn’t feel attractive, meaningful, accepted. And it could provoke a deep feeling of sadness, resentment, fear, rejection. In spite of this he would be silent or punishes his partner with silence. He would also withhold attention and intimacy or use any means of passive agression. Later this person would feel the resentment, anger on his partner and on him (because he isn’t ideal and feels somehow different).
An aggressive person: would feel offended and humble. He could splash wine on the face of his partner, make an accusation scandal with insults and humiliations. He could have got up and walked away or stayed without saying anything showing his displeasure.
A confident person: will tell about his feelings. He will never suppress and ignore them. His face expressions, voice and poses would match these feelings. If he was angry, he would say this: «I don’t feel comfortable, I become angry when my partner pays attention and flirts with others. At this very moment I feel unloved, insignificant and rejected. It’s unacceptable to me and if it happens again my attitude towards you will change and I will leave».
Self-esteem — this is how we estimate ourselves.
• If the person can estimates himself adequately and objectively, he has healthy self-esteem.
• If the person can’t estimate himself objectively, he has low or high self-esteem.
• Most people think that high self-esteem is better than low self-esteem, but this isn’t true. Both variants will bring discomfort in your life because they warp the reality.
For example: people with low self-esteem underestimate their appearance, talents, opportunities. Every time they invent new complexes and limits to themselves and because of these they hide and have passive lifestyle. This affects negatively on their self-development and self-realisation.
• People with high self-esteem also have a hard time. They live in the wold of mockeries, hate and rejection. They sincerely don’t understand why does it happen? Why are the people around them hostile? They think they don’t exaggerate their abilities but in reality it’s like this.
A confident person has healthy self-esteem.
An insecure person has low self-esteem.
An aggressive person has fluctuating self-esteem (either high or low).
• Self-esteem forms at the age of four.
• The child looks how his parents communicate with each other. That’s why if the parents have the same rights, respects each other, the child will have healthy self-esteem. If one of the parents takes authoritarian position , treats his partner coldly, disrespectfully, rude or if he insults, beats, controls or suppresses, the child will have low self-esteem. If someone in the family or both of the parents is prone to over-praise, hyper-parenting, the child will have high self-esteem.
• But this is not all. It’s important how parents communicate with their child. The child with healthy self-esteem lives in the family where he is loved just for being who he is. Definitely his parents pay attention on his victories, achievements and they accompany it with sincere praise. Sincere praise is when they say that you are good and explains why.
• For example: «You are beautiful, you have long, shiny hair and blue eyes» or «You’re good, you have a talent for drawing. Look how great you chose colours and conveyed the mood!»
• If the parents ignore the achievements of the child or underestimate them: «You could do better» or pay attention only on the mistakes: «How clumsy you are, you always drop and crash something» — so the child will have low self-esteem.
• If the parents praise where they should and shouldn’t: «Did you get a good mark? You are a genius», «What a beauty, no guy is worthy of you» — so the child will have low self-esteem.
Tell me what is good about you. Write down your most positive strength. Re-read every time when you feel sad, to remind yourself what a wonderful person you are!
Colour the spheres, where you have problems, complexes, weaknesses. The more problems, minuses, complexes you have, the more the sector is painted. If you feel there are 50% of the problems in the sector, colour half of the sector.
P.S. The coloured circle demonstrates the presence of weakness and complexes. This is what prevent you to feel confident.
Write down all your minuses, complexes, the things you don’t like in yourself, don’t accept, hate, criticise and is embarrassed. Write down everything you have in your head.
If something new appears, continue to write it down.
Your task is: to make plus from your minus through refutation and objection.
For example: I have a long nose but it breathes well and I don’t snore at night and at the same time it looks authentic and makes my appearance particular, memorable; I have a skinny body, but healthy and strong.
[Structure repeats for pages 27-31]
An emotion — this is a brain signal which reacts on internal and external irritants (people around, subjects, weather or thoughts, painful feelings in the body, organs etc.). Thanks to this signal you understand what is going on and do certain things. Emotions — it’s a kind of a fancy alarm system.
For example: you see a homeless and angry dog (external irritant), your brain is processing the information and sends the emotion of fear for you to stay further from the dog. Or you feel a stomachache (internal irritant), there is a fear for your health and you go to the doctor. Or you are tired (internal irritant), the feeling of sadness arises, you get lazy and apathetic, so you give a day — off to yourself (sleep, meditate, take a walk in the fresh air, take a hot bath).
Where do the emotions live?
In the sub-cortex of the brain. There is a limbic system which regulates the work of internal organs and also controls the sense of smell, memory, sleep and emotions.
Why is it necessary to express your emotions?
When you say something to your friend but he doesn’t hear you, you repeats one more time. Your brain makes the same through your body and organs.
When the emotion is suppressed (not heard), the limbic system sends an impulse in the internal organs(repeats the information once again). Regular irritation of organs causes different diseases (acne, gastritis, ulcers, psoriasis, allergies, eczemas, headaches, period pains, tumours etc.). When body illnesses are caused by ignoring and repressing emotions — this is called psychosomatic illness. Now, I hope you understand why it’s necessary not to suppress your emotions and to learn correctly how to understand and live through emotions.
| Emotion | What does it mean? | How to live through? |
|---|---|---|
| Anger Irritation, aggression, insult, anger, hate, fury |
My boundaries are violated, I don’t receive what I want. |
1. Admit that you are angry and realise what and who you are angry at. 2. Take a break: take 5 slow inhales and exhales (or use a different breath technique). 3. If you decide to announce about your boundaries, use I-message (talk only about yourself, your feelings and desires). 4. Physical activity. When we are angry our body transforms in to a combat mode: the pulse and heart start racing, lungs and nostrils are expanding so you can beat or run. You can use this condition as necessary not to have a lot of stress on organs: push-ups, pull-ups, squats, running, jogging or other forms of physical activity. 5. Reflection. After the anger subsides, analyse what and who violated your boundaries and what it’s possible to do in future to avoid the same situation. |
| Fear Intension, anxiety, agitation, obscurity, uncertainty, hesitation |
I’m in a danger. There is a situation which I cannot control, I cannot cope with or handled it poorly. |
1. Acceptance: Allow yourself to feel the fear, not criticising yourself. To be afraid of something — this is a basic emotion which feels everyone. 2. Relaxation: Take 10 slow deep inhales or exhales (or use a different breath technique.) 3. Realise what or whom you are afraid of. Does this fear real or imaginary? What will be if it happens? Are there any positive sides? How did you handle the situation if you have faced it in the past? If not, try to make the situation to the point of absurdity so that it becomes funny and calm. 4. Share about your fear — you will feel better. 5. Ask for an advice — may be someone from your friends had the same situation. |
| Sadness Apathy, sorrow, laziness, fatigue, melancholy. |
I lost what was important and dear to me (a person, a resource, energy, money, attention, time, dreams, hopes, expectations, illusions). |
1. Realise what you’ve lost. 2. Acceptance of your sadness. If it’s can be made up, try to take a break or do something nice for yourself. If it’s cannot be made — give yourself time to be sad, to cry, to suffer (limit how many hours or days you take time for it). 3. Talk to someone who you trust or try to express your sadness through a creative activity (drawing, music, writing poems/stories/letters). 4. Use mindfulness practice to stay in this very moment and not concentrate on negative thoughts. 5. Easy physical activity: walking in the fresh air, yoga, stretching. |
| Guilt | It’s born inside and is directed at itself. I did something bad, it goes against my values. I cannot do it again. | Guilt and shame are the only emotions born in society. Often people impose these emotions to manipulate others. Ask yourself a question, is this really my emotion or somebody manipulates me for his needs? (Who does it? What does he do it for?). If it’s a manipulation — sound it out and it stops working. If it’s your emotion — apologise. Ask what can you do to correct the situation? |
| Shame Embarrassment |
It’s born outside and is directed at itself. Someone saw, knew, guessed that I did something wrong. | Act in the same way like you act with guilt. If it’s difficult, try to turn it into humour, it removes the stress. |
| Disgust Dislike, antipathy, hate, rejection |
Signal. It’s not for me. It’s not mine, it’s necessary to go away, to run away, to leave everything, to finish, neither eat nor drink. | Realise that you are uncomfortable. Go away, finish, take it away — it’s not for me. |
| Happiness Love, admiration, delight, inspiration, euphoria, anticipation, cheerfulness, energy |
I was recognised and accepted. | Try to enjoy the moment. Permit yourself to express joy verbally and non-verbally. |
| Interest Curiosity |
Will it work for me? Will it make my life better? | Express it verbally and non-verbally. Ask questions, investigate, try. |
All emotions are good.
They help us in life. It’s important to understand, differs them and express safely.
The strength of emotions can be different:
Weak emotions from 1 to 3 points
Medium emotions from 4 to 7 points
Strong emotions from 8 to10 points
Fill in the diary of emotions every day during a month. During this time the habit of being aware of your emotions will form. When you understand what is happening to you, you will be able to choose your own reactions and behaviours consciously (and not as you did before impulsively and automatically).
It’s better to fill in the diary as soon as you experience the emotions. As a rule all 8 emotions will be described in a week.
| Event (what happened?) | |
| Thoughts (what am I thinking about and what trigger me?) | |
| Emotions Intensity of emotions from 1 to 10 points |
|
| Physical sensations in the body | |
| Actions (what do I want to do? What am I doing?) | |
| Reflection (conclusions about this situation and self-support) |
| Event (what happened?) | |
| Thoughts (what am I thinking about and what trigger me?) | |
| Emotions Intensity of emotions from 1 to 10 points |
|
| Physical sensations in the body | |
| Actions (what do I want to do? What am I doing?) | |
| Reflection (conclusions about this situation and self-support) |
[The Emotion Diary tables continue identically from Page 37 to Page 97]
An open dialogue about your feelings and desires help to improve, strengthen and achieve maximising mutual understanding in personal, friendly and business relationships.
It’s necessary to take into consideration several factors for an open communication:
• Safety (emotional and physical);
• Resourceful state;
• Space;
• Time;
• Eco-friendly communication.
You should talk openly about your feelings and desires in that case, if you realise that the reaction of your partner will not harm you emotionally or physically.
Imagine that every person — is an Iceberg. Tip of the iceberg, its visible part is our appearance, behaviour in the society, what we say and do. Underwater part is our inner world, thoughts, values, experience, emotional scars. We are all different and every person has its level of visible and underwater part of the iceberg. Sometimes it happens that one person has a much bigger visible or underwater part than the other, and then, in the frank dialogue, the other person is physiologically and mentally unable to understand the depth of the first person. Unfortunately, sometimes this communication can’t be safe and has negative consequences. In order not to hurt others or not to be hurt, it’s better to gradually test the depth of the person with whom you’re getting emotionally closed.
Start from the gradual contingence. If the person reacts adequately, understands and supports you, so you can move to the next level of trust. Also, if it’s necessary for you to tell him about your feelings and desires, but you aren’t sure about your physical safety, I recommend doing it in public places or over the phone.
Before talking about the important things, make sure that you had a good night’s sleep, you aren’t hungry, you are in a more or less calm, relaxed state or boosted emotionally. Also, pay attention that your partner is in the same state of mind. It’s important that you both are in a resourceful state, if not, it’s better to postpone the dialogue and until the right time.
Make sure you are in a safe and comfortable space. No-one disturbs and distracts you.
Make sure you have enough time for a dialogue with your partner, so that it doesn’t happen that at the most important point, one of you doesn’t get distracted or needs to leave immediately.
Competent and careful communication leads to proper understanding and positive outcome. Here are several recommendations on how to talk about your feelings and needs:
1. Describe the situation. Describe the specific situation and your emotions, desires, needs.
2. Demand. Tell you partner what is acceptable and unacceptable for you and what do you want to get from this dialogue.
3. Talk only via I-messages. I-message is when a person doesn’t blame or attack his partner, he only speaks about himself, his feelings, emotions, sensations, thoughts, conclusions and desires. For example: «I feel...», «I’m not comfortable...», «I’d like...».
4. Avoid You-messages. You-messages are a direct criticism and accusation which provoke aggression, defence, avoidance or attack from the partner. You-messages destroy eco-friendly communication and separate the partners to find a compromise or from the possibility of understanding each other properly. For example: «You didn’t do...», «Because you are guilty...», «Because of you...» etc. For accusation, attack or shifting responsibility, use 3-personalities — this is a good psychological tactic that allows you to give specific examples from life and at the same time passing the aggression and defence mechanisms of your partner. Example: «When my boyfriend doesn’t give me flowers, I feel sad and I don’t feel his love».
P.S. To give a positive feedback, you can use You-messages. Speak directly to a specific person to share your positive emotions, events and thank him. Example: «Sasha, you gave me so beautiful flowers, thank you, I’m very pleased, I feel your love and care».
5. Threat. Tell your partner why this dialogue is important to you and what will happen if the situation repeats or your need isn’t closed. It’s important to understand, you can only make threats that you’re actually ready to execute.
6. Ask questions and listen to answers. After expressing your position, ask your partner what he is thinking about it and what is his position.
7. Respect. Listen to the answer of your partner till the end and don’t interrupt him.
«When my parents enter my room without knocking or take my personal belongings without my permission, I feel anger, I feel offended because my personal boundaries are violated and I take it as disrespect. If it continues, our relationship will spoil and I’ll drift away».
«When my parents tell me what to do excluding my desires, I’m getting hurt and sad». I feel helpless, weak, insecure, unloved, silly and meaningless. If this behaviour continues, our relationship will spoil and I’ll drift away».
«When my boyfriend pays attention on other girls, I’m getting uncomfortable. I feel unloved and humble. If it repeats my feelings will be colder and sometime later I’ll stop the relationship».
«John, when I got your present on my birthday, I was very pleased, warm and happy. I felt your love, warmth and care. Thank you!».
Here you can train to talk about your pleasant and unpleasant feelings:
[Writing lines continue for 3 pages]
Every person, sooner or later, has faced the situation when it’s necessary to say «no». But not everyone can do it according to different reasons. I will tell you why to say «no» is normal and how to do it in an eco-friendly way (without harm to yourself and others).
It’s normal when somebody’s request differs with your values, goals, plans, desires. In these case — it means defending of your personal boundaries.
1. Don’t be afraid of conflicts. All our life consists of them. Avoiding the problems, you can’t learn to solve them.
2. Define what is stopping you to say «NO». Analyse your emotions with the help of the «Diary of emotions».
3. When refuses a person, be honest and straightforward. Say «no» directly so the person you are talking to doesn’t have false hopes and doubts about your refusal.
4. Politeness. Use polite forms: «I appreciate your proposal, but....», «Thank you for the proposal, but....».
5. Explanation. If you have such an opportunity, give a brief and polite explanation. If not — give a short answer: «I don’t want to» or «I can’t», also works.
6. Be persistent in your decision. If the person doesn’t stop and continuous to insist, hold your decision, remember the reason of your refusal and don’t give up. Answer only «YES» or «NO» on all his arguments.
7. Don’t fall for the manipulations of guilt, shame, duty and fear. You have the right to put your own interests ahead of others. The person who asks, that’s exactly what he does.
8. Don’t make excuses and be aggressive. Speak quietly.
9. Use the «broken record». Keep saying the same thing over and over again — it’s also a refusal.
10. Don’t explain, make excuses, apologise.
It’s better to talk about what you need. It’s the most eco-friendly (non-manipulative) way, involving respect for yourself and others.
1. Express clearly your wants, needs and desires. Explain directly what do you need and what for.
2. Avoid aggressive and accusatory language. Don’t try to influence on a person evoking guilt, shame, duty or fear.
3. Use I-message. Talk about your feelings, desires, wants and needs.
4. Be ready for a refusal. Not all requests can be granted and it’s normal. Read more in the next chapter on how to cope with the refusal.
5. Offer reciprocity. Ask the person you are talking to what you can do for him in return for his help? How can you express your gratitude?
It’s normal to ask. I suggest you to analyse your feeling on this topic.
| Describe who and what you are going to ask for | |
| What emotions arise? | |
| What feelings do you have? | |
| Why don’t you want or can’t ask for? | |
| Why should you ask for it? |
[This table structure repeats for pages 108, 109, 110]
It’s normal to get a refusal. Don’t take it like a personal rejection or offence. The refusal means that you faced other people’s boundaries. Calm acceptance of the refusal, without negativity toward yourself and others means the respect of your and other people’s boundaries.
P.S. Our boundaries finish there where the boundaries of others start.
Realise and accept your emotions. That’s normal to face with negative emotions during the refusal. Allow yourself to feel the emotions, don’t suppress your emotions, but also don’t allow them to manage you. Remember, emotions are temporary! The exercise the «Diary of emotions» will help you to cope with emotions.
Don’t personalise the refusal. Don’t accept the refusal like your personal rejection or offence. Don’t imagine the most negative and unpleasant scenarios in your head, it can be connected with personal circumstances of the other person. He also has a right to prioritise himself and think first of all about his desires, wants, needs and comfort. That’s normal. You have the same right.
Agree and take a pause. That’s how you recognise the other person’s right and give time to yourself to think and find another way of solving your question.
It’s not obligatory to ask a person why he refuses. These questions are the way to manipulate. Manipulation — words, actions are aimed at getting another person to do/say what will be convenient for the other person. Manipulations can’t be good, for the benefits of other person. The refusal is his own business and his own personal boundaries, you can’t invade them without an invitation. If the person considers it necessary, he’ll give an explanation.
Practise empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand the emotions of another person and join them (sympathise and empathise). This is a very important skill for building effective social relationships and improving communication in all spheres of life. If you faced up with the refusal, at the beginning, understand your feelings and after try to understand the point of view and emotions of another person.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the refusal, you can share your feelings with your partner (you can do it correctly).
Finding an alternative. You can bring arguments and describe advantages, which the person gets. It’s not a manipulation, you provide the whole information (may be the person didn’t guess and think about it by himself). Also, it’s necessary to consider other alternative solutions, try to suggest them to your partner.
Stay calm. Don’t be aggressive, don’t push, don’t cry, don’t beg, don’t threaten, don’t act on the guilt, shame, duty, fear (this is also manipulation).
Get 50 rejections during a month.
Think of something interesting. For example: send your CVs to top-companies and try to sell your favourite book five times more expensive.
Write down here all your refusals. How was it? What feelings did you have? What helped to deal with the refusal?
[Dotted lines continue for pages 114, 115, 116]
1. Allow the person to express his opinion. Don’t interrupt, don’t criticise back, and don’t make excuses.
2. A person’s opinion says a lot about himself. So don’t be too quick to take things personally.
3. Don’t react immediately. It’s okay to take a pause. Give yourself time to calm down and analyse the criticism.
4. Focus on the facts.
Firstly, did this feedback come from a request or did the person brazenly invade your personal boundaries without your request or permission?
Secondly, is this feedback an objective or a subjective evaluation?
Pay attention to specific aspects of your work, behaviour discussed in the critique, not emotions, speculations and subjective evaluations.
Rule: anything that begins with «good», «bad», «right,» «wrong», «beautiful», «ugly», is deprived of objectivity. It means that the person speaks about his experience, his opinion, his world view and his values, and it doesn’t apply to you or to any other person.
5. If criticism on request is objective, learn to accept it with gratitude.
See it as an opportunity for growth and development.
Show empathy, try to understand the feelings and motives of your partner. If the criticism is not on demand or is subjective, here are some possible ways of your reaction:
For example:
It’s interesting that you shared your opinion. In my world view, I tell people my opinion when they ask me about it. And vice versa. I respond appropriately when I am given the feedback I asked for. If the feedback is unsolicited, as it is now, I perceive it as a violation of personal boundaries and I feel aggression and a desire to withdraw. You can also end the dialogue, walk away or change it to another topic.
For example:
It is interesting that you shared your views and feelings. However, this is a subjective opinion, I suggest that you pay attention to objective facts...
Maybe you want to add something? You can also end the dialogue, walk away or change it to another topic.
Simply agree with everything that is said to you. You can do poker face or a slight smile.
For example:
• You’re untalented.
• Yes, you’re right.
Aggravate and take to an extreme what you are being criticised about.
For example:
• You don’t look good.
• Yes, you’re right, I look terrible today. I’ve never looked so terrible. No one in the world has ever looked so terrible. I’d take the first place in the «World’s Most Horrible Look» nomination.
Agree by comparing yourself to the person you are talking to.
For example:
• You are stupid.
• Yes, you’re right, I am stupid and you only noticed it because you’re smart. I’d even say brilliantly smart. You’re a genius, I’m stupid. You see, nature loves balance.
Ask clarifying questions. It’s friendlier than the previous options, but it is also confusing.
For example:
• You are fat.
• How did you decide that?
• Because I can see it.
• All or specific parts of my body?
• All.
• Can you be more specific? It’s just important for me to understand. Keep going until you’ve taken the person into a dead end.
If you’ve used any of these recommendations, share your impressions.
• What happened?
• How did you feel?
• How did you behave and what did you say?
• What was the reaction of your partner?
• How did you feel at the end?
• What keeps you going in this situation?
[Dotted lines continue for pages 119-122]
Describe a situation, where you faced criticism
What did you do?
What were your reactions and actions?
How did you feel?
What were your emotions?
How would you react now, after reading the information above?
[This structure repeats for pages 123-129]
My achievements.
◯
◯
◯
◯
◯
◯
Evaluation of the productivity of the diary ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Bright impressions (during the diary keeping period)
What pleased
What disappointed
Dear Reader,
Thank you for choosing my diary and joining me on this journey. It means so much to me that the ideas, techniques, and reflections shared here have resonated with you. If you have any questions about the content, would like to share your thoughts or experiences, or wish to leave feedback, I would be delighted to hear from you.
Your feedback helps me better understand my readers’ needs and inspires me to create new and helpful materials.
Please feel free to write to me at tatyanazayats12@gmail.com. I will definitely read your message and do my best to respond to each one.
With respect and gratitude,
Tanya Zayats!
The diary is compiled by a professional psychologist.